Forbes Masson (b. 1964) and

Alan Cumming (b. 1965)

 

 

 

Glasgow Song

 

(as performed by Victor MacIlvaney and Barry McLeish)

 

If you are lonely or suffering from a bereavement,

We know the place you really ought to be.

A town with guts – you see some on the pavement,

High standard of public convenience all for free.

It couldn’t be better, it sticks out a mile,

Although it tends to rain a lot the people always smile –

Cos they’re guttered!

 

We’re talking Glasgow,

It makes our hearts go funny when we think of it,

Just walk along those streets, see what we mean,

They’ve been stone-cleaned . . .

Go to fig London!

We’re not like you,

We’re not capitalists:

You’re done in, you took a fall,

When we got the Mahabaratha at the Transport Hall,

Just to cap it all –

Oh oh Glasgow!

 

It’s a cultured city and we don’t mean penicillin (oh no, oh no)

The people have names like Senga, Shug and Loyd (Senga, Shug and Lloyd)

Some of them aren’t quite the full shilling (oh no, oh no)

You’d be the same if you were unemployed.

There’s a plethora of parks that have thickets full of trees,

Chicken korma comes pre-packed, just take it from the freezer for your dinner.

It’s a winner –

 

It’s Glasgow,

It makes our hearts go funny when we think of it,

There’s no way you can say that Glasgow’s past it,

It’s been sand blasted . . .

Stuff Auchtermuchty,

We proclaim that Glasgow’s got what it takes,

Just take a shufti,

No need to fret,

Or even hedge your bets

You’re on an easy win,

If you’re Glaswegian,

In Glasgow . . .

 

(Spoken) Glasgow – a city of so many sights,
so many smells, so many drinks, so many cigarettes,
so many heart attacks, so many happy returns to . . .

 

It’s Glasgow,

It makes our hearts go funny when we think of it,

Just walk along those streets see what we mean,

They’ve been stone-cleaned!

Stuff Auchtermuchty,

We proclaim that Glasgow’s got what it takes

Just take a shufti,

No need to fret,

Or even hedge your bets

You’re on an easy win,

If you’re Glaswegian,

In Glasgow . . .

 

Glasgow oh oh oh oh oh oh

Glasgow oh oh oh oh oh oh

Gla-la-la-la-la Gla-la-la-la-la Gla-la-la-la-la Glad I live in Glasgow!

Glasgow oh oh oh oh oh oh

We belong to Glasgow

Dear old Glasgow toon

Glasgow! Glasgow!

 

 

(During the instrumental reprise—which incidentally is far from being incidental—Victor and Barry wave to their fans, doing their best to hold back the tears. At some point Victor usually faints with the emotion of it all, and as the timpani pound out the last few bars our last image is of Barry begrudgingly dragging Victor into the wings for medical attention, yet still managing a heart-felt smile.)