Forbes
Masson (b. 1964) and
Alan Cumming (b. 1965)
(as
performed by Victor MacIlvaney and Barry McLeish)
If
you are lonely or suffering from a bereavement,
We
know the place you really ought to be.
A
town with guts – you see some on the pavement,
High
standard of public convenience all for free.
It
couldn’t be better, it sticks out a mile,
Although
it tends to rain a lot the people always smile –
Cos
they’re guttered!
We’re
talking Glasgow,
It
makes our hearts go funny when we think of it,
Just
walk along those streets, see what we mean,
They’ve
been stone-cleaned . . .
Go
to fig London!
We’re
not like you,
We’re
not capitalists:
You’re
done in, you took a fall,
When
we got the Mahabaratha at the Transport Hall,
Just
to cap it all –
Oh
oh Glasgow!
It’s
a cultured city and we don’t mean penicillin (oh no, oh no)
The
people have names like Senga, Shug and Loyd (Senga, Shug and Lloyd)
Some
of them aren’t quite the full shilling (oh
no, oh no)
You’d
be the same if you were unemployed.
There’s
a plethora of parks that have thickets full of trees,
Chicken
korma comes pre-packed, just take it from the freezer for your dinner.
It’s
a winner –
It’s
Glasgow,
It
makes our hearts go funny when we think of it,
There’s
no way you can say that Glasgow’s past it,
It’s
been sand blasted . . .
Stuff
Auchtermuchty,
We
proclaim that Glasgow’s got what it takes,
Just
take a shufti,
No
need to fret,
Or
even hedge your bets
You’re
on an easy win,
If
you’re Glaswegian,
In
Glasgow . . .
(Spoken) Glasgow – a city of so many
sights,
so many smells, so many drinks, so many cigarettes,
so many heart
attacks, so many happy returns to . . .
It’s
Glasgow,
It
makes our hearts go funny when we think of it,
Just
walk along those streets see what we mean,
They’ve
been stone-cleaned!
Stuff
Auchtermuchty,
We
proclaim that Glasgow’s got what it takes
Just
take a shufti,
No
need to fret,
Or
even hedge your bets
You’re
on an easy win,
If
you’re Glaswegian,
In
Glasgow . . .
Glasgow
oh oh oh oh oh oh
Glasgow
oh oh oh oh oh oh
Gla-la-la-la-la
Gla-la-la-la-la Gla-la-la-la-la Glad I live in Glasgow!
Glasgow
oh oh oh oh oh oh
We
belong to Glasgow
Dear
old Glasgow toon
Glasgow!
Glasgow!
(During the instrumental reprise—which
incidentally is far from being incidental—Victor and Barry wave to their fans,
doing their best to hold back the tears. At some point Victor usually faints
with the emotion of it all, and as the timpani pound out the last few bars our
last image is of Barry begrudgingly dragging Victor into the wings for medical
attention, yet still managing a heart-felt smile.)