Alan-Holics Anonymous


Hey, you! With the mouse, and the keyboard! Yeah, I'm talking to you. I see that gleam in your eye; that mad, feverish, panicked look. I can spot your kind a mile away. Yep, you've got it bad, real bad. You show all the obvious symptoms of the disease: you spend countless hours scouring the dreaded Internet to ease your craving, you rush to the newsstand the moment you hear about a new article or picture: You're an Alan-holic! Well, you've come to the right place my friend (and by the amount of drool that has acquired on your keyboard, I can tell you've made it here just in time). I have good news though - there is help (but I don't recommend shock therapy for anyone). The first step is admitting that you do have a problem. So, read on to the following list of symptoms.

From: Aimee

*you have a "shrine" to alan in your room that covers the entire back of your door
*you slept outside to get tickets to his final show
*at work you imagine that one day you will get to call him (i'm a telemarketer)
*if on the tv you see a nyc scene you let everyone in the room know exactly how far away from studio 54 it was
*you watch at least one alan movie a day
*you can't fall asleep if you don't listen to vittorio for at least a half hour
*you talk more to people on the online lists than you do to people you actually see in real life
*your fingernails are a constant shade of green
*If you were Benny Hogan you would choose Sean "bloody" Walsh over that stupid Jack Foley anyday!
*Your mother is sick of riding in a car anywhere with you because you force her to listen to Cabaret every single second!
*You've been moping around your house in a miserable daze for the past 9 days
*you've contimplated giving up school moving across the country and desperatly searching for alan in LA to camp out under his trailer
*you have grown to really love the Spicegirls
*at random points in the day you let out a little sigh and everyone around knows you were thinking about alan.
*You fantasize that one day alan will just be wandering abround providence and desperatly need a tour guide and of course you are right there, ready and willing.
* You know your a little too obsessed with alan when at a family party (I just got home) your nana introduces you as "my grandaughter Aimee, she is in love with this guy on B-Way called alan cumming."
* When watching an interview where alan says he was stalked all eyes in the room immediatly turn toward you!
* Your aunt watches BBC America like a hawk trying to find you some alan footage you haven't seen . . . she can't find any.
* He becomes a coversation topic at Christmas dinner. . . and you weren't the one to bring him up!
* You get alan related gifts for christmas becuase you already own all alan specific gifts (i got a cute little reeses purse type thing)
* You've forced relatives to watch his stuff so much that some have begun to go out and watch his movies on thier own to try and impress you with their alan-knowledge
* People seriously and casualy ask you "so what is alan up too?"

From: Rebecca

-You feel guilty if your Cabaret cd is not in the #1 spot in your stereo
-Your art teacher knows of the obsession because of all of your works in which he is the subject
-If someone says "Alan Cummings" you immeadiatly reply "NO! He's only cumming once!"
-You have green fingernails
-On your door is a sign: Leave your troubles here, life is beautiful"
-You know the spots on the cabaret cd where you can hear him breathing
-You have Alan's shorts from "Two Ladies" hanging on a clothesline in yourroom
-You buy entire magazines for pictures of him
-You taped pictures of Alan to the front of your sandals
-You leave magazines bearing his name/picture open in order to spread Alan hopes of people running up to that magazine, noticing him, and being absolutely breathtaken..."Why haven't I noticed him before?!"
-You cannot bear to leave pictures of Alan on the floor, for it is disrespectful. Anything Alan related goes on a shelf, the bed, a chair, on top of other papers, but CANNOT directly touch the floor
-You printed out the big list of "Alan Obsessed If" and taped it to the front of your bedroom door
-You had an infamous Cabaret Countdown going on your answering machine, counting the days until the next time you had tickets for Cabaret. Many times this was joined with Cabaret cd selections being played in the background
-When visiting the Studio 54 website, you close your eyes as you quickly scroll past the picture of Micheal Hall as the emcee. Usually this requires a patient, understanding family member or friend to help and tell you when the picture is out of view
-You have a photo album, complete with a title page that says: Alan Cumming, and Other Broadway Shows" bearing personal photos you took of Alan
-You have a photo album as described above, which comes along with you to all major exams and auditions as a good luck charm. This album does not necessarily need to be opened, it is just fun to glance at it and think, "there are pictures of Alan in there!" Tempting.
-You almost peed in your pants when Fat Bastard, the Scottish character from Austin Powers, exclaimed, "I am dead sexy!"
-You have thought about personalizing a license plate: CUMMING
-You friend takes pictures of you in the bookstore holding maps of Scotland
-You giggle hysterically when you get these pictures back
-You and your friend watch the segment of "The High Life" in which they sing the song about hating Mondays, over and over again, so that when school starts, singing this song in the hallway will be a routine Monday occurence
-You prance around happily holding the back issue of InTheater with Alan on the cover, winning his Tony

From: Rachel

* You can't stop eating reeses peanut butter bites because they remind you of Alan. This is not a good symptom. Avoid at all costs!
*You're having a family gathering (grandpa's b-day) and when some asks where your cousin Alan is and they say "Is Alan Coming?" You and your half obsessed sister start giggling insessantly (sp) and saying "Alan Cumming?, Oh that's so funny!" Needless to say, my whole family thought we were insane, having never heard of Alan Cumming themselves.

From: c c

*You find Sean Walsh in "Circle of Friends" neither "bloody" nor "creepy" nor "smarmy" nor "pervy" but incredibly, incredibly attractive and think Benny Hogan is insane for refusing his advances
*You go to the MAC cosmetics counter and ask for the lipstick colors that Alan wears for Cabaret. With a giddy smile you tell the saleswoman: "My FAVORITE star wears these colors!" The saleswoman then mentions several names of typical actresses and models, asking if you it's one of them. You go: "No way! Alan Cumming wears these lipstick colors in Cabaret!" As the saleswoman stares at you, as if you're totally insane...

From: Alexandra

*You check Fodor's Guide To Scotland '99 out of the library. You take it home and diligently search until you spot Alan's home town. Upon seeing it, you scream "I FOUND IT!!!" at the top of your lungs so that your mother, who is on another floor of your house, will know that you have been victorious.

From: Eliza

*fingernails are always green!
*I always try to connect something to cabaret. ( if I hear a cabaret reference, I will proceed to talk about the show and think about alan forever.
*have my friend go 7 blocks out of her way to come to my partment and see my alan/bway collage-which i am very proud of by the way!

From: Elena

*If you hear the words "shaved", "bleached", or "dye", you threaten to kill the person who said it.
*Your friends make sure to tell you whenever they see the word "cabaret" or "Alan".
*You shriek, "DON'T BEND THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to anyone making the slightest move towards your Alan pictures.

From: Beth

* You search through the entire magazine rack daily for pics of Ah-lan, or even a minute mention of his name.
* The girl at the camera store knows your name and phone number by heart from developing so many pics of Ah-lan. "Oh, look, it's that crazy Ah-lan fan again." Yep...that's me!
* You seriously consider subscribing to every magazine in the world, just so you don't have a jealous fit when others talk about an Alan picture that you haven't seen yet, but only because the local newsstands don't have the new issue in stock yet.
*You have thought to yourself "Should I buy gas for my car or 'No Night is Too Long'" and SERIOUSLY had to make the decision.
*Frighten your younger sisters by jumping up and down in your living room when "Access Hollywood" shows some new "Annie" footage, then are unable to type correctly to share the joyful news over an Alan Chat.
*Are willing to fly across the country to see Alan sing two songs and fly home again, all within 3 days
*You're planning a small trip to Scotland which includes a stop in any town that Alan might have been in
*You have spent two months writing a story centered on Alan, and you joyfully share this with your fellow listmates, praying that Alan never lays his eyes on it
*In the process of shipping a tape to a friend in Scotland, you look into getting it converted and, when asked, happily announce to the entire store that you are shipping it to Scotland, then giggle uncontrollably

From: Lindsey

* When you are warming up for a performance of "My Fair Lady" at your University and your director says, "Lindsey has a good warm up for us...why don't you perform Willkommen for us Linz? We all know that you have it memorized!" and then everyone laughs at you!
* Your University theater director gives you roses for your opening performance with a card that reads, "Break a leg...i know you'll do a fab job. love from Alan...just kidding...its me...Scottie, close enough, huh?!". they can be so mean!
* You have a package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups taped to your wall.
* A friend goes out of town and comes back with a Reese's PBC magnet for your fridge.
* When you are driving your car listening to the "Cabaret" cd and you glance down at the A/C (air conditioner) and immediately think of Alan Cumming.
* When you come in to work and your boss says, "Alan just called...i told him you were married, I hope you don't mind." (p.s. I'M NOT MARRIED! GGGRRR!)
* When you sneak a digital camera into Eyes Wide Shut to take highly illegal photos of the hotel clerk...and then post them on an onlinelist!
* When you take your HQACPDolls to play with while you babysit a 6year old.

From: Jenni

* Having a tendency to break into song singing Wilkommen, while dancing around a book store holding a book filled with music scores from Broadway while trying to ignore the other customers staring at you! (This is a particularily severe symptom if you HAVEN'T EVEN seem Cabaret and have only heard Wilkommen once before, such as in my case)
* Convince your younger sister she'll love the movie "BUDDY" just so you don't look too weird renting it yourself. Then, when Alan gets kissed by a monkey and does a sweet (and I'm convinced spontaneous!) smile, rewind it six times just so you can giggle like a school girl! ~

From: Kris

*You can barely contain your excitement all day Tuesday because a Rosie O'Donnel rerun featuring a small clip of Alan is on Wednesday. You watch the show at 10:00 am, and despite the short length of the clip, it just about makes your day. AND THEN (here's the addiction part) you are late to work because you watch the same short clip again during the 4:00 airing of theshow. And ya know what? It was worth it!! :)

From: Jess

*every time you are with one guy and another girl, you automatically break into a chorus of "Two Ladies"....
*you spend weeks making the perfect Kit Kat Girl (or emcee) costume.
*You have written 9 letters to Him, and have showered him with gifts, usually of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups persuasion.
*you decide the Spice Girls aren't THAT bad....
*you fly over 1000 miles to see the show. And only the show. Sitting outside Studio 54 awaiting showtime.... Hoping to catch a glimpse of Alan.
*When someone refers to your extended family, you first think they are speaking about your list sibs on the Alan Cumming list.
*You have so many pictures of him on your wall that people think you got a weird form of wallpaper....

From: PnkeTuscad

* you don't even watch the video tapes you have of Alan because it tortures you too much
*you're in credit card debt due to numerous cabaret's
*you refer to Alan as Alan "Yumming" so often you have to catch yourself from saying it when you're talking to your boss or someone you meet for the first time.....they'll think you're a freak
*the usher at Cabaret keeps eyeballing you like you're a stalker and the other usher says "here again?" then start buying wigs so security won't be called on you (just kidding)
*you work at a credit card company in customer service and you whine to every cardmember that you love NY....that you want to live there.....and you casually bring the conversation to the play you saw.....ummmmm what was that oh yeah Cabaret with that scottish guy Alan Yumming I mean tone it down so they don't think freaks are handling their accounts
*you make Alan finger puppets
*you made up words to the instrumental song from Cabaret- "Entr'Acte" singing to the beginning horn parts and all the way thru.... Ah-H-h-Lan Cu-umming Ah-H-h-Lan Cu-umming Ah-H-h-Lan Cu-umming is so yummy....Ah-H-h-Lan Cu-umming Ah-H-h-Lan Cu-umming Ah-H-h-Lan Cu-umming is so yummy.... (put the song on and try it)
*you have 5 copies of the Cabaret for the house for the home....the others because you were somewhere without Cabaret and you had to have it now!
*you related to the girl in American Pie saying "One time in band camp" because that's how much you've carried on about Cabaret and you end up relating every topic of conversation to Cabaret
*your computer has slowed down due to all the Alan pictures you've saved to your hard drive.
*you taped a picture of Alan over the annoying advertising on your free letter opener and paper clip you have Alan desk supplies
*you walk around saying "that was terrible" in a scottish accent as Alan said in the 1998 tony behind the scenes pbs know it because you edited a video tape of him rehearsing...splicing that one part repeated 7x......"that was terrible...that was terrible.....that was terrrible....that was terrible......that was terrible.....that was terrrible....that was terrible" now 18yr old boys at your work walk around saying "that was terrible" in a scottish accent.
*you see Alan on Rosie O'Donnell June 7 book a trip to Ny to see Cabaret (a couple of times) in Sept 1998 and you meet him...missionaccomplished

From: Loulou

*I'm going to London to visit my cousin who I've not seen for three years and I'll be spending my time looking for Alan stuff and visiting the Donmar warehouse!
*Even though I am officially the worlds no.1 spice girls HATER I bought their video just coz Alan was in it - oh the embarrasement! The shame - i have to keep it hidden!

From Kami:

* You continually go the NYC with friends to see a Broadway show, but end up ditching your friends so that you can see Cabaret again!
* You discover that your tongue has been hanging out of your mouth throughout the entire opening number of Cabaret. (This wouldn't be so bad if you weren't sitting at a table with three strangers.)
* You search the village desperately for a copy of HX magazine, and now "Out" magazine.
* You barely notice other cast changes in Cabaret as long as Alan is there.
* You feel physically ill when a friend drags you to Cabaret a week after Alan leaves and you're forced to endure Michael Hall's performance.
* You have a picture of him hanging up at work, pity the fool who asks, "who is that".
* You have a brilliant smile on your face any time Alan is onstage or on screen.
* You are thrilled to see that Sam Mendes is making his film debut as a director and getting critical acclaim because you hope that maybe he'll do a re-make of Cabaret the movie.
* You would have been at Limelight and Beige every night had the HX magazine article come out before Alan left New York.
* You try to convince everyone that you know to see Cabaret before Alan leaves because missing his performance is a tragedy.

From Chris:

-you got your eyebrow pierced in the same spot
-you have bid in triple digits for a tape of his on ebay
-you tried to move into your best friends house when you found out they got bbc america and the high life was showing on it
-you say eh! so much that people are starting to think you have a nervous tick. adapting a scottish accent, growling and the word beautiful has become a part of your vocab.
-you are taking a WWII class next semester so you have an excuse to study Cabaret.
-you make bookmarks with his pix
-your 1st cabaret cd is your lucky charm, but sounds like crap anymore, due to excessive listening.
-when going to NY, you drag your friend to 54th st, just to say you stood where alan stood...and then you start taking pix and dancing to willkommen in front of the door.
-you teach yourself all the dances from cabaret, pile on the eyeliner to look like a kit kat girl, and switch lipstick to alan's color
-you went through $50 of color ink cartridges just to make your wall and notebook shrine... and $20 at kinkos in order not to ruin your magazines.
-began drinking water and eating lollipops
-when finding out that he's in a mag, you leave associates by themselves to run the store while scouring the mall like a madwoman to find a copy...and then close 10 min early to continue the search...
-took a 2nd job at suncoast just to be able to say that you sell alan merchandise.
-you can't look at the name if it's not 'spelled right.'
-your friends and coworkers have learned to just smile and nod politely...and learned to take heed in coming over, for they know that they will be well educated in the glory and wonder that is alan.
-thanks to alan, your identity and sense of self has finally been revealed and you don't "give a toss" what others think.

From Aubrey:

*You play " Who Wants to be an Alan-aire" 50 times under 50 different names.
*You are on the internet all day and all night to see if anyone has posted new alan pictures.

From Cabaret Chick:

~while spending the night at a friend's house, you see the Goldeneye videogame and don't stop whining until someone finally plays it with you. when you're choosing your character, you gaze lovingly at the pic of boris before picking it. and during the game, if your best friend kills boris, you refuse to speak to her until he is revived.
~you became a frinkazoid after alan's last performance as the emcee, but are just as obsessed (if not more!) as any other.
~you disown your sickminded so-called 'friends' that make fun of his last name
~you become furious at your parents for not allowing you to see titus, so you read the play, buy the soundtrack, and involve yourself in every way possible without seeing the movie.

From Jamie:

* You're repainting the walls in your room and getting a new rug, and all you can think about is if the colors will go with your wall-sized Alan collage
* At the mention of "Alan Cumming" your grandmother perks up and says, "Oh that's my grandaughters friend! He's such a nice boy"
*You constantly watch footage of Alan memorizing every part where he does even the slightest swing of his hips. And then get all giddy and wear out the rewind button
* You play the Cabaret CD so much that even your partially deaf grandfather (Love you grandpa!) is found humming "Willkommen"
* Every desk at school that you once sat in has an "Alan" carefully carved into the wood in the corner
* You once sat down with your whole family and literally had an 8 hour Alanthon on TV. (You were the only person to make it right to the end!)
* Your freezer is packed with a few stacks of Reeses PBC
*You print out every single message ever sent out on the Alan Uncensored List, and put them in a big scrapbook
*You open your other scrapbook, which is full of pictures, and find that the binding is broke from being opened so much
* Your aunt Lois is found walking around the house pronouncing things in Scottish accents just to make you happy! (Isn't she sweet!)
* You take a trip to NYC just to go to Barnes and Noble and stand where he was giving autographs. And then you close your eyes and meditate on that spot until your friends threaten to call the manager
* Your 5 and 6 year old brother and sister can recite alan facts (His birthday, home country, Movies, and quotes) if asked. (I should become a teacher!)

From LeAnna:

* half of the front of your bedroom door is covered with Alan pictures, and you stand in front of it for hours.
* everytime "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" comes on, you wish it was "Alan-aire"
* you've got your best friend, and her little brother just as obbsessed with Alan as you are.
* your best friend and her little bro. and you try to do a three way "eh" thing. i works a lot better with just two people though going back and forth
* you put your hair up in little pigtails and go swimming. needless to say, your head gets a tic tac toe board burnt on it, but you have a great time telling everybody why you had your hair like that.
* the whole time you're swimming, you and your friends are doing Alan impressions. and you almost drown doing some of them.
* at 4.30 in the morning you and a friend dress up as the emcee and a kit kat girl and take pics.
* you call your kitty cat a kit kat, b/c it has black around it's eyes and mouth.
* you constantly sing and dance to "the high life" song
* you don't really realize how badly obsessed you are until you start making a list like this!!

From KLMNumbers:

You keep a Hi-C juice box in your back pack for good luck on tests and quizzes because Alan is on the back as Fegan Floop from Spy Kids.
You spend hours on-line compiling positive reviews of Alan in movies and send it to your good friend.
The same friend understands and laughs at every Cabaret or Alan reference or joke you make... even though she has never seen Cabaret and has only seen Alan in "Josie and the Pussycats". (She loved him in the movie, too)

Jules' Original Obsessive List
Jules' Still Obsessed List
Do you have any to add?